Choose What You Fear

​I have not posted here for a long time.  As I read my previous posts, I realize that my words had nothing unique to say.  I was holding back because I was afraid.  I was afraid of what you might think of me, and I was afraid of the commitment it would require to post here consistently.  
 
I have since come to realize, that it is my duty to you, to be courageous enough to show my true self.  If I am to post here at all, I should do it honestly and fearlessly.  I should speak my truth so that I can more genuinely connect with you.
 
A local Portland teacher, Chris Calarco, whose yoga class I frequent, recently quoted the following:
 
I’m human, and I will disappoint you. 
I am scared, but I believe in love. 
 
The quote is so simple, and so powerful.  It has no religious sway, no personal opinion, no recipe for conduct, no academic or scholastic philosophy…it is simply the truth behind being human.  The quote has taken root in me, and I find myself sitting with it again and again. 
 
There is no doubt that I have disappointed people in my lifetime.  Although I’m not proud of this fact, I am aware that this is the simple truth behind being human.  We can all recall a moment in time, when we could have made a better choice.  A time when we could have been more aware of how our actions affect those around us. 
 
As I reflect, I can see that many of my poor choices were attributed to insecurity, ignorance, confusion, pain…fear.  I simply did not have the knowledge, the resources, the tools, the patience, the strength, and at times the support, to make the best decision.   How vulnerable it is to admit this, but how human it is to acknowledge this too.  
 
I have been afraid of being alone, afraid of rejection, afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of not being loved, afraid of making the wrong choice, afraid of failure, and afraid of what I don’t understand.  As I admit these things, I am aware that I may sound weak.  However, I know that this is not true.  I know that I am simply experiencing what it sometimes means to be human.
 
So often we are afraid to even admit what scares us.  We’re afraid to get real with ourselves, and with others.   We might actually have to do something to make a change, which will put focus on our vulnerabilities.  We might be harshly judged, and misconstrued by others if we speak our truth.  Within this fear, we become stuck in the space of immobility: we do nothing, we speak nothing, and we experience nothingness.
 
However, if we can begin to fully see ourselves, we can begin to work on fully loving ourselves.  We can stop beating ourselves up for all the ways that we’ve failed, made mistakes, and made the wrong turn…and just accept the space as it was.  Forgive yourself.  Let go. Move towards love.
 
What I have found is that by forgiving, letting go, and loving…I am more capable of doing the same for others.  I disappoint less often, and I am less often disappointed.  If I feel afraid, I can recognize it and embrace it.   When I recognize fear in others, I am quicker to make space for it.  Overall, there is more love. 
 
I’m human, and I will disappoint you. 
I am scared, but I believe in love.